Does your child worry constantly, avoid school or seem overwhelmed by everyday situations? Many students experience anxiety — but it can be hard to know what’s typical, when to be concerned and how to help without making things worse.

Ryan Montes, PsyD, a licensed psychologist at Stony Brook University Hospital’s Comprehensive Psychiatric Emergency Program (CPEP), will explain anxiety and how it can interfere with a student’s daily functioning. Join Dr. Montes' upcoming parent workshop for clear guidance you can use right away.

📅 Date: Wednesday, January 28

🕡 Time: 6:15 pm

💻 Location: Virtual on Zoom

⏱ 45 minutes + Q&A

 

Meeting ID: 987 7552 5489

Passcode: 392825

---

One tap mobile

+12122258997,,98775525489# US

+16462551997,,98775525489# US

 

Join instructions

 

A moderate amount of stress before an exam can be helpful, sharpening focus and motivation. When anxiety becomes overwhelming, however, it can interfere with performance and trigger physical symptoms such as stomachaches, headaches, shortness of breath or a racing heart.

If you suspect your child is experiencing test anxiety, it helps to understand the difference between fear and anxiety, says Ryan Montes, PsyD, a clinical assistant professor at Stony Brook Medicine. “Fear is about something happening in the present,” he explains. “Anxiety is about what might happen in the future.” Test anxiety often grows from the expectations children place on themselves or believe others place on them.

For younger children, physical symptoms are often the first clue, as they may not yet have the words to describe their worries. “Anxiety can show up as gastrointestinal discomfort, headaches, muscle tension or avoidance behaviors like not wanting to study or go to school,” says Montes. Parents may notice sudden behavior changes, right before a test.

Older children may experience racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating or shortness of breath. At any age, a noticeable change is often a key indicator.

Identifying what’s behind a child’s test anxiety is an important first step. Anxiety may stem from academic pressure, parental expectations, peer comparisons or a child’s own high standards.

“Are they worried about disappointing parents or teachers? Are they putting pressure on themselves because of past test results?” Montes asks.

Family culture can also influence anxiety. In homes that strongly emphasize academics, younger children may struggle to understand expectations, while teens may link test results to future goals like college or careers. Past experiences matter as well. “A child who struggled on a previous exam may anticipate repeating that outcome,” says Montes, intensifying anxiety before the next test.

Montes encourages parents to focus on listening and validation. “Try not to dismiss or minimize what your child is experiencing,” he says. Well-meaning reassurances such as “It’s not a big deal” may feel invalidating.

Instead, acknowledge your child’s feelings and normalize anxiety as a common experience. Letting children know others — including parents — have felt the same way can be reassuring. Helpful questions to ask include: What worries you most about this test? What would help you feel more prepared? How much support do you want from me right now?

Beyond emotional support, encourage steady studying over last-minute cramming. Simple relaxation techniques like deep breathing can calm nerves and a balanced breakfast on test day can support focus and energy.

Montes says parents shouldn't agree that an exam is life-defining. "Supportive dialogue can make a positive impact and really help kids manage test anxiety effectively."

Here’s a simple resolution for 2026: Play more with your kids.

For many families, that goal can feel unrealistic. Between work, homework, meals and activities, adding one more task may seem impossible.

What matters most is quality, not quantity, says Allison Hotze, DNP, RN, an advanced practice nurse and nurse educator specializing in pediatrics at the Stony Brook University Schools of Medicine & Nursing. “Families are busy,” Hotze says. “But just a few minutes a day of focused, uninterrupted time can be really valuable. Putting away the phone, turning off the TV, and being fully present makes a difference.”

Research shows that when parents play with their children, it supports emotional regulation, reduces anxiety and builds resilience. Through play, children also develop cooperation, problem-solving skills and confidence.

“What’s important is engaging in a way that isn’t overly controlling,” Hotze explains. “Let things unfold naturally and allow your child to take the lead.” The activity itself matters less than protecting the time. Play can be as simple as a card game, shooting hoops or doing a puzzle together. “Anything that lets you laugh and enjoy each other’s company counts,” she says.

Play is essential to healthy development. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, playing with caregivers and peers helps children develop empathy, language skills, emotional resilience and strong social bonds. Through play, kids learn how to relate to others in safe and supportive ways. “Parents don’t always realize how much learning is happening during play," she says.

For younger children, imaginative play can reflect family or school experiences and help build empathy and communication. Older children, especially during competitive play, learn how to manage emotions, cope with frustration and navigate fairness.

“When a child loses a game or a sibling cheats, those moments become teaching opportunities,” Hotze says. Parents who play alongside their children can model healthy behaviors such as being a good sport, handling disappointment and supporting others. Learning to lose also helps children understand that they don’t have to be good at everything. These experiences build frustration tolerance — an important skill for lifelong mental health.

As children grow into adolescence, play may look different, but shared time remains just as important. Activities like walking, cooking or playing a game can make conversation feel easier and more natural. “When kids are engaged side by side, they often open up more,” says Hotze.

She emphasizes that play doesn’t need to be structured or formal. “Dance to music, or make up a game — being silly together is the point," she says adding that laughing helps reset the nervous system. “Play reminds us to slow down, connect, and have fun — something both kids and parents need.” (For free ways to play together, see box below.)

Did you know that many local library now make non-screen-based play activities available for families to borrow — turning a library visit into an opportunity for learning, connection and fun?

Families can check out games and hands-on activities that encourage creativity, problem-solving and quality time together. Today's libraries offer creativity — from sewing machines to glue guns — and STEAM (science, technology, engineering, art, math) kits, too.

Some have expanded their support in other ways. For example, the Port Jefferson Free Library has social workers on site who can connect families with community resources and support services.

In addition to items you can take home, many libraries host special play events, drop-in programs and family activities that might surprise you. Be sure to check your library’s monthly calendar to see what’s available. Your library card might turn out to be your family’s all-access pass to serious fun.

Cheer on the Stony Brook University Men’s Basketball Team and celebrate the kids of Stony Brook Children’s Hospital for an evening full of community spirit, competitive hoops and plenty of excitement!

Bring the whole family on Saturday, February 7, for this fan-favorite event — you won’t want to miss it!

Free Giveaways: The first 750 fans through the doors receive fun Stony Brook spirit wear — get there early!

Special Game-Day Apparel: Don’t miss the must-have pre-game shooting shirt, designed by one of our patients and available for purchase in the online store.

For ticket information and seat selection visit Stony Brook University's ticket center.